• Actor-turned-rapper Joaquin Phoenix insists his music career is totes for realz, although he admits that it might be "laughable" and "ridiculous." You know, just like his crazy, homeless guy beard. (HuffPo, via E!)

• Ex-Playmate Kendra Wilkinson is super psyched to start a fam with her new fiance, but sez she won't be having kids anytime soon because "I don’t want to be fat for the wedding." (E! Online via Scandalist)

• Stephen King is notsomuch into Twilight. The horror!! (E! Online)

• Clay Aiken to appear on America's Next Top Model, presumably to teach the girls how to milk their reality tv stardom beyond the requisite 15 minutes. (Usmagazine.com)

• Shannon Doherty has announced that she'll be returning to 90210 Land one more time, because she needs the cash for old time's sake. (TV Watch)

• Breaking: Ashlee Simpson and her baby daddy will be playing "Bonnie & Clyde wannabes" on CSI: NY. Laugh now, but we haven't been this excited since the time Method Man played a Nigerian polygamist on an episode of Law & Order S.V.U.! (EW)

• Johnny Knoxville is sorry he brought a fake grenade to the airport. Then again, he IS a Jackass -- and, well, that's what jackasses do. (Usmagazine.com)

• Meanwhile, Kendra Wilkinson is sorry she said a bunch of not-so-nice things about the man who plucked her from obscurity, exploited her for his personal/professional gain and hired her to play his "pretend" girlfriend. (E! Online)

• When eccentric actor Joaquin Phoenix said he was leaving the film biz to work on his music, we just figured it was another one of his crazy, nonsensical ramblings. Turns out, it wasn't! Dude's got a hip hop album coming out, and Diddy's producing.  (Hollywood Reporter)

• This week on Grey's Anatomy: Izzie resolves to stop sleeping with a dead guy while Meredith tries, fails, to bring back the High Ponytail. (TV Watch)

• Kendra Wilkinson and Bridget Marquardt tackle the penultimate philosophical question: Who would look better in Playboy -- Jennifer Aniston, or Angelina Jolie? (Usmagazine.com)

• Next week's Gossip Girl: More Dan/Serena incest mania, the truth about Rufus Humphrey's secret love child and another chance for Blair and Chuck to f--- things up. (E! Online)

• Mary Kate Olsen went to the restroom and she, like, did NOT wash her hands. (P6)

• In the current issue of Vibe, Kanye West appears to sport a salt-and-pepper beard. Apparently, this is only an extremely elaborate illusion. "I DON’T HAVE GREY IN MY BEARD IN REAL LIFE," 'Ye insists. "THIS IS SOME BENJAMIN BUTTON’S S---!" Hey, whatever ya say, Crazy Old Guy! (Buzzworthy)

• Former Cosby Show star Lisa Bonet has just tipped the crazy scales by naming her bundle of joy Nakoa-Wolf Manakauapo Namakaeha Momoa. For serious. (Huffington Post)

• Taylor Swift kicks off 2009 the right way: by not dating a Jonas Brother, shmoozing with Neil Patrick Harris and appearing on SNL. (Newsroom)

(Photo: ABC)

+ Teeny-tiny Grey's Anatomy star Chyler Leigh has announced that she's pregnant with her third child. We're torn between saying "Congratulations!" and sending her a card that says "Wait, you've had two kids?! You're giving us a MAJOR weight complex, lady." (Usmagazine.com)

+ Ed Westwick/Chuck Bass admits he was too starstruck to introduce himself to soccer star David Beckham at a recent partay. In related news, we once saw Ed Westwick/Chuck Bass on the street, then awkwardly/conspicuously turned and hid behind the nearest telephone pole. True story. (Radar)

+ Former Top Model winner Eva Pigford (now, apparently, Eva Marcille) is reportedly engaged to her boyfriend/House of Payne costar Lance Gross. Yeah, something tells us she'll be holding onto her (new) maiden name for a while. (Essence via Us)

+ Kendra Wilkinson says she and her linebacker fiance will be getting hitched at the Playboy mansion, a.k.a. her old stomping grounds, but she hasn't decided whether her grandpa-aged ex, Hugh Hefner, will be walking her down the aisle. Because, you know, THAT would be the weird part. (Reality TV World)

(Photo: CW)

• Actress Leighton Meester says she luuuurves playing Blair Waldorf on Gossip Girl (well, obvi) and that she has amaaaazing chemistry with steamy Brit co-star Ed Westwick. What, like that's hard? (Usmagazine.com)

• Paris Hilton has been robbed! Again! Fortunately, this time the thieves left the sex tapes in the secret sex vault (where they belong!) and went straight for the $2 million worth of diamonds. (Scandalist)

• Although Hugh Hefner had previously agreed to give his ex-"girlfriend" Kendra Wilkinson away at her wedding, he's now having "second thoughts." Yep, nothing creepy whatsoever about an aging swinger and pornographer playing the dual role of father figure/ex-lover. (E! Online)

• What are you doing New Year's, New Year's Eve? If you're smart, you're watching MTV's live NYE special (co-hosted by Miley Cyrus and The Veronicas!) BONUS: MyCy will be ringin' in the new year by crashing some random fan's houseparty! Holla! (MTV News)

+ Playboy founder Hugh Hefner feigns enthusiasm over his fake ex-girlfriend's pending nuptials. (Usmagazine.com)

+ Meanwhile, Hef's sons prove they're completely unworthy of inheriting their father's Playboy dynasty. "I'm not going to have multiple girlfriends — not at the same time," sez 18-year-old Marston Hefner. "I can't imagine that." (Defamer)

+ OMG, did bratty Upper East Sider Blair Waldorf (real-identity: Leighton Meester) just "secretly" (read: not-so-secretly) get engaged to her hot, but slightly-effeminate-looking bf?? Survey says ... no. (Usmagazine.com)

+ Meanwhile, even Gossip Girl author Cecily von Ziegesar hates Serena's pretentious/arty boyfriend, Aaron. "He’s so slimy! He’s just … ick." Agreed! Also, anyone else thinks it's strange that his dad just HAPPENS to be the same dude who married Blair's mom? (Gawker)

+ For some strange reason, Mark Schwahn, (creator of craptastic CW show One Tree Hill) has been assigned to write/ruin the revamped Melrose Place pilot. (TV Watch)

+ Recession alert! You know you're on the brink of economic disaster/full-scale depression when even snotty rich people (like Jeana Keough, right, from The Real Housewives of Orange County) are cutting down on their crazy expenditures. (E! Online)

+ Note to former 'NSYNCer Joey Fatone -- Next time you feel like slamming the DWTS contestants for being tacky, you probably shouldn't follow it up by sitting on a toilet in the middle of Times Square. 'Kay? (Page Six, Best Week Ever)

+ Meanwhile, could the Dancing with the Stars judges BE any more in love with finalist Brooke Burke? "You're the one that we all want," said judge Bruno Toniolo following Burke's Grease-inspired freestyle number. Awww/ewww! (NY Daily News)

+ Former SNL funnyman Horatio Sanz is virtually unrecognizable now that he's embraced the power of the tweed blazer lost upwards of 80 pounds. (Scandalist)

+ The Girls Next Door get all hatted up for the Kentucky Derby! Fun fact: Kendra Wilkinson had to have her giant straw monstrosity custom-made because her head's "gigantic." (TV Watch)

• FYI, Sarah Palin will NOT be guest-starring on Desperate Housewives, okay? Also, that thing about her not knowing Africa's a continent? Yeah, apparently that was all just some sort of crazy hoax. Ah, rumors... (E! Online, NY Times)

• Reality tv takeover! Girl Next Door Kendra Wilkinson and bootiful DWTS castoff Kim Kardashian will reportedly be joining Spencer and Heidi in their How I Met Their Mother cameo. (People)

• Jamie-Lynn Sigler may have dumped Turtle for, um, divulging all the dirty deets on their relationship on last week's Entourage...but in real life, she and actor Jeremy Ferrara are said to be getting extremely cozy. And Jamie's keeping her mouth shut. (Usmagazine.com)

• Earlier this week, a woman who once auditioned for American Idol committed suicide in front of Paula Abdul's house. (E! Online)

• Nicole Richie and her former stylist Rachel Zoe appear to have patched things up! Huzzah! (Hollyscoop)

• You can't blame Isaiah Washington (f.k.a. Dr. Burke) for joining the OMG, Grey's Hates Gays!! bandwagon. 'Course, his critique of the show's decision to fire Dr. Hahn would carry more weight if he weren't a) previously fired for his own latent homophobia, and (b) simultaneously begging Shonda Rhimes for his old job. (Usmagazine.com)

• Jumpin' Joe Scarborough is so excited about Barack Obama's clean campaign he's dropping F-bombs on MSNBC. Take that, FCC mother-f***ers! (HuffPo)

• Holly Madison is hoping to be a bridesmaid at Kendra Wilkinson's nuptials. Meanwhile, we're just hoping Hugh Hefner isn't the one giving her away. Hey, he was her (sugar) daddy... (People)

• Knight Rider to fire three of its series regulars (Bruce Davison, Sydney Tamiia Poitier, and Yancey Arias) and replace them with an onslaught of Hail, Mary celeb cameos. (Yahoo! News)

• NBC gives new "Life" to that "quirky detective show" that's nobody's ever seen. (TV Squad)

• Apparently, Kim Cattrall's SATC sequel talk was all a bit premature. "I'm thrilled to know Kim is excited, but all the deals are not yet done," sez series star Sarah Jessica Parker. Hmm, guess Samantha just got Carrie-d away? (Access Hollywood)

• SNL's Kenan Thompson doesn't think Tina Fey will be reprising her role as Sarah Palin. At least, not until, oh, 2012... (OMG! Yahoo!)

• Mr. Man has a name! Sam Perry, best known as The Guy Who Oprah Snotted All Over During Obama's Acceptance Speech, swung by Oprah's show the other day to send her a dry-cleaning bill tell her he had no hard feelings. (Usmagazine.com)

• Meanwhile, Oprah's bathroom shocker! The talk show host describes her first ev Port-A-Potty experience. (Dlisted)

• Holly Madison and Criss Angel continue to flaunt their newfound coupledom in front of our faces. (E! Online)

• Also?? Fellow Girl Next Door Kendra Wilkinson is engaged to a football star! Guess her pretending-to-be-Hef's-girlfriend contract was up, too. (Yahoo! News)