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Dear "Jersey Shore" Cast,

A month is a long time to be out of the country with no access to your cell phone or the internet, so now that you're fixin' to leave your fun bubble and head back to The States, we thought we'd help you out with a brief rundown of all the gossip items ya missed while off painting the town in your hairy boots and floppy hats. We're sure you'll miss Florence, but hey, there's never a dull moment here in the pop culture capital of the world!

Your welcs and safe travels,
Remote Control

(Former) Congressman Anthony Weiner's Weiner Made The A-List
After accidentally tweeting to 45,000 followers a lewd pic of his nether-region, the press had a field day with Weiner puns (we're obviously not bored with them yet) and revealed after more digging that he had also "improperly associated" with six women for 3 years via Twitter, Facebook and phone. Government officials--including President Obama--suggested he step down from office, which he did with an earnest public apology. Not since John Wayne Bobbit got his Johnson cut off has genitalia gained such national attention.

Kim Kardashian Got Engaged To A Towel Waver
Following in the footsteps of her sister Khloe, Kim K. accepted a marriage proposal from an NBA player. He's not exactly Lamar Odom material on the court, but The Nets' Kris Humphries proved he could provide Kim with the lifestyle she's used to by slipping a 20-plus-carat diamond onto her precious finger. Wonder which is insured for more: the ring or her ass?

Jennifer Aniston Wrecked A Home
After famously stating that what Angelina Jolie did to her marriage with Brad Pitt was "uncool," Jen went and pulled something similar with longshoreman actor Justin Theroux and his girlfriend of 14 years, Heidi Bivens. Justin, not Heidi (but that would be a neat twist), is reportedly now living with the former "Friends" star and the two were recently caught on film sporting matching jewelry. Can you say "mid-life crisis"?
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Back in July, when we first heard rumors of L.A. Candy getting the Hollywood treatment, we asked you guys whether Lauren Conrad should play herself (er, star as the novel's protagonist, Jane Roberts) in the big-screen edition. And while an overwhelming 67% of you thought LC should cast herself in the leading role, the Hillzie claims she's not even in the running.

"I think my acting is offensive!" Lauren told People.com late last week, after it was announced her bestselling book was being turned into a full feature film. "I'm an awful actor, I'm not super comfortable with it. In fact I was just trying to do lines ... and they'll tell you, I cannot memorize lines."

So who does that leave? We rounded up three actresses we think would be perfect for the part. Starting with...

BLAKE LIVELY:
Cute, blonde and uber experienced at playing Miss Popular, Lively (best known as Serena van der Woodsen on Gossip Girl) fully understands what it's like to be the TV "It" girl. The only problem? We've mostly seen Lively in roles where she luuuurves being the center of attention (like Bridget in Traveling Pants). For Candy, she'll need to be more of a reluctant hero -- but if she can deliver Jane's wide-eyed vulnerability (and "Who, me?" humility), we're thinking she'll make LC proud.

AMANDA SEYFRIED:
Although often cast as the second banana (think: Regina George's lackey in Mean Girls and Megan Fox's sidekick in Jennifer's Body), Seyfried's got the kind of quiet confidence and unassuming beauty that's hard to ignore. A wispy, doe-eyed blonde, the Mamma MiaI actress is the perfect stand-in for small-town Jane, and we can totally see her shy, good girl act stealing the show from the ditzy Gaby and paparazzi-addicted Madison.

TAYLOR SWIFT:
Okay, fine. So she doesn't have the same acting cred as the first two, but Taylor HAS dabbled in TV (CSI, anyone?), plus she's sweet, adorable and totally believable as the girl-next-door. Despite blowing up big in the country music scene, Swift's still way more deer-in-the-headlights than diva, and she's got the "Imma let you finish" moment to prove it. The closest thing to a real-life Jane (besides Conrad herself, obvs), Swift's as innocent as they come. And if you don't believe us, just ask her ex-boyfriend: self-proclaimed virgin, Joe Jonas.

+ Got any better ideas? Tell us who you think should play Jane Roberts in the movie vershe of L.A. Candy, plus feel free to start casting the roles of Gaby, Madison, Scarlett and Braden!

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+ Miley Cyrus' boyfriend, Justin Gaston, gets a cameo on the Miley and Mandy Show! Here's the (amazing) 5-second recap: "[Gaston] croons about being in love while Miley cheers him on and Mandy [Jiroux] bobs around like the awkward third wheel she just realized she's become." (E! Online)

+ 5 Things you never knew about American Idol judge Kara DioGuardi. Not included: The fact that she totally just got engaged. (Newsroom)

+ Actress Blake Lively (who plays "It" girl Serena van der Woodsen on Gossip Girl) admits she wasn't always a fashion goddess. Of course, that'd be easier to swallow if we weren't reading it in the cover story of this month's Vogue. (Vogue)

+ Lost star Matthew Fox is counting down the days til the series finale. (Usmagazine.com)

+ The Jonas Brothers become the latest artists to join the inaugural bash! Or, as some people have dubbed it, the "Hooray! Bush's Leaving Office!" party. (Buzzworthy)

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+ Playboy founder Hugh Hefner feigns enthusiasm over his fake ex-girlfriend's pending nuptials. (Usmagazine.com)

+ Meanwhile, Hef's sons prove they're completely unworthy of inheriting their father's Playboy dynasty. "I'm not going to have multiple girlfriends — not at the same time," sez 18-year-old Marston Hefner. "I can't imagine that." (Defamer)

+ OMG, did bratty Upper East Sider Blair Waldorf (real-identity: Leighton Meester) just "secretly" (read: not-so-secretly) get engaged to her hot, but slightly-effeminate-looking bf?? Survey says ... no. (Usmagazine.com)

+ Meanwhile, even Gossip Girl author Cecily von Ziegesar hates Serena's pretentious/arty boyfriend, Aaron. "He’s so slimy! He’s just … ick." Agreed! Also, anyone else thinks it's strange that his dad just HAPPENS to be the same dude who married Blair's mom? (Gawker)

+ For some strange reason, Mark Schwahn, (creator of craptastic CW show One Tree Hill) has been assigned to write/ruin the revamped Melrose Place pilot. (TV Watch)

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+ Former Nanny star Fran Drescher has announced that she'll be making a play for Hillary Clinton's soon-to-be-vacant Senate seat. When reached for comment, California governor Arnold Schwarzenegger replied "Zat ees da craziest zheeng I eva heard." (USA Today)

+ Not long after Chuck Bass and Vanessa Whatsherface's alleged airport smoochfest comes word that Nate Archibald is gettin' it on with Jenny Humphrey. Well played, Little J! (Page Six)

+Meanwhile, elsewhere in Unsubstantiated Rumorville, Gossip Girl Serena Van der Woodsen was reportedly spotted swapping spit with someone other than her real-life bf, Dan Humphrey. Nooooooo! (E! Online)

+ Lance Bass' ex-dancing partner, Lacey Schwimmer, says she'd love to tango with Jackass' Steve-O on next season's Dancing With the Stars. "I would be totally down to dance with him!" Schwimmer says of the man best known for dropping trou on the red carpet (and taking a stapler to his you-know-what.) "I'm not kidding," she insists. (Usmagazine.com)

+ Bachelorette reject Jason Mesnick (who stars on the upcoming season of ABC's The Bachelor) says he's finally found his happy reality tv ending. "I'm engaged!" Mesnick revealed. "I'm completely in love. I can't believe it's this great." (TV Watch)

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+ Gossip Girl's Blake Lively (a.k.a. THE Serena Van der Wooden) denies that she and co-star Leighton Meester (a.k.a. Blair Waldorf) are real-life frenemies. "Everybody just works 18-hour days and goes home to sleep," she insists. Yep, nothing says drama-free quite like working a full day on no-sleep...with a bunch of attention-starved up-and-comers. (W Magazine)

+ With Dr. Erica Hahn booted from Grey's, it's time to bring on da new characters! Introducing...Melissa George and Mary McDonnell! (E! Online)

+ Oh, and did we mention that Kevin McKidd (a.k.a. Dr. McCrazy) was signing on as a series regular? (TV Watch)

+ Desperate Housewives' Jesse Metcalfe fell forty feet...and (miraculously) lived to tell about it. (The Sun - UK)

+ This doesn't exactly qualify as reality tv news, but when Jennifer Aniston starts going around saying Angelina is "totally uncool," it's enough to grab our attention. (Usmagazine.com)

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(Photo: NBC)

• Everyone knows Tina Fey does a mean Sarah Palin, but the SNL alum isn't looking to extend her run for, say, four more years. "If she wins, I'm done" Fey told TV Guide. "And by 'I'm done,' I mean I'm leaving Earth." (NY Daily News)

Gossip Girls aren't just about designer clothes and killer highlights. They're also way into politics! (Well, maybe not Serena Van der Woodsen, but you KNOW prepubescent Dan Humphrey was out campaigning for Nader in 2000.) Meanwhile, Blake Lively and her real-life bf, Penn Badgley, are all about Obamarama. (E! Online)

Hugh Hefner may have lost his main gal, Holly, but he's still living it up with the ladies! Oh, to be an octogenerian pornographer... (Usmagazine.com)

• This just in: Dancing with the Stars judges forget how to add, inadvertently award frivolous old lady Cloris Leachman an 8. (TV Squad)

• Meanwhile, Lance and Lacey soar (obvs!) while Rocco DiSpirito proves that he's (still) about as graceful as an elephant on roller skates. (TV Watch)

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Serena and Blair are feuding Yalies on tonight's all new, Serena's-still-a-beyotch episode of Gossip Girl. (Seriously? OMG! WTF?)

• Meanwhile, Leighton Meester rediscovers her love of doughnuts -- and giant doughnut-shaped friends. (Live Journal)

John McCain to face the wrath of an affronted David Letterman. (E! Online)

• When you're Ashley Tisdale or Vanessa Hudgens, nowhere -- not even an icky public restroom --- is safe. "I was at an In-N-Out ... and I was actually going to the bathroom and [people] put their napkins underneath the stall!" Tisdale wails. (People)

Biggest Loser isn't just about losing weight...it's also about losing undergarments. On last night's ep, Christy accused Starr of pushing her sports bra "off the ledge." Oh, the humanity! (TV Squad)

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• Danger, Will Robinson, danger! The new 90210 is rapidly losing viewers! Perhaps it's time to bust open those Emergency Sideburns Kits? Or, better yet, bring Dylan/Brandon in as reinforcements? (Perez Hilton)

• Meanwhile, turns out Gossip Girl's Blake Lively is as much of a clothes-horse as Serena van der Woodsen! (Gossip Girls)

Pineapple Express star James Franco ogled by uncouth Columbia freshmen girls. (NY Post)

• Tonight's ANTM forces the girls to look "fierce" while wearing ridiculous clothes and doing something inherently unattractive! (TV Watch)

• Meanwhile, Big Brother update: Another silly blonde gal is forcibly evicted! This time, by the evil Memphis. (PopWatch)

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• Danity Kane join their MTV brothers and sisters in RSVPing "yes" for next weekend's VMAs awards bash. (Buzzworthy)

• Rumor debunked! Spencer shoots down reports that he and Heidi are planning to open a bar in NYC. (Usmagazine.com)

• But don't look to PopEater for the latest Speidi update. The site may be on the verge of abolishing all Spencer/Heidi-related news coverage. The horror! (Best Week Ever)

• Meanwhile, Blake Lively turns forgetting-to-wear-pants into a fashion statement. (Scandalist)

• And loose-lipped Gossip Girl producers spill the beans about Blair's new man and Jenny's evil plans for world domination. (People)

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