The ladies went to great lengths during last week's "Jersey Shore" to ensure Snooki's shower went off without a hiccup. Despite a hungover Jenni running the show, a baffled Deena fondling tissue paper décor and an über-awkward Vinny/Jionni/Mike hook-up triangle, it's safe to say that Nicole was both delighted and surprised with her little Lorenzo baby bash in Seaside. And now, you can duplicate the fun with these presents perfect for a mini-meatball (leopard-print sneakers!), as well as our ultimate tips for the most spectacular Shore shower ever:
Reserve a room at a top-notch Italian restaurant. Rivoli's (or, Rivoli's) may as well be an honorary "Jersey Shore" cast member at this point--it's been the scene of more awkward encounters than Pauly D's stalker. First, there was Mike's official DTR with Paula, and now a possible MV (no P) confrontation with Jionni (to be determined on tonight's episode). No Rivoli's near you? There's always Olive Garden.
While the virtual couples on "Catfish" have a camera crew to serve as a buffer, and an experienced Nev to turn to for guidance, the rest of us online love-seekers are forced to navigate the murky waters of internet dating alone. We pore over dozens of OkCupid profiles and Plenty of Fish in the hopes of finding a kind soul who might be worth an hour of face-to-face time. But once we find that person...then what? In order to save months (or even 10 years) of potentially wasted communication with a possible catfish, we recommend meeting sooner rather than later. Just heed this advice, first:
1. Meet in a safe, public setting. It's an obvious one, but you'd be shocked at how many folks (most of the insta-hookup variety) bypass this crucial step. Your virtual crush could easily not be who they say they are, leaving you with a chainsaw-wielding stalker or someone of a completely different gender. Believe us--you really don't want a serial killer (or liar) to have your home address. We also recommend bringing a friend, if just for the first half of the date.
2. Schedule a light, simple activity. A coffee date is perfect and offers the chance to get to know each other in a low-pressure setting. After that first double cappuccino, you can either extend the meetup over grub if it's going well or GTFO if your date is a complete creeper.
Talk about a waste of GTB (Gym, Tan, Breakup with Paula). We're with Pauly D and Vinny on this--Mike's (literal) kiss goodbye to his gf on last week's "Jersey Shore" was mad disappointing. There was no "Let's make it unofficial" Shirt Under The Shirt, no tears, no cursing and NO FLYING ASS PADS. But even though his few sweet words and cheap pecks on the lips were not in the same entertainment camp as, sayyyy, a day-drinking arrest, we've seen much worse. Here, 10 things actually lamer than Sitch's too-tame trip to Splitsville:
1. Vinny's vow of celibacy. Vin's intention of keeping it in his pants lasted about as long as Mike's relationship. Truth: He likely would've smushed "The Thickness" if she wasn't such a tease.
2. Being two hours late to your own surprise birthday party. When Roger was tardy to his surprise shindig earlier this season, JWOWW was scary pissed. Talk about a waste of good cardboard party hats.
3. Pauly D's stalker's dead stare. Vanessa the Stalker needs to go find her own friends. Period.
We almost thought he'd found The One (for Summer 2012, at least) but Mike's "relationship" with Paula is looking to be shorter than a meatball rockin' flats. Just days after making it official, "The Situation" is determined to undo what he did. Scratch it from the record.
Nanoseconds after DTR-ing at Rivoli's, when Paula brought up marriage and kids, Mike was running for the hills (well, in his head). Then came the burps, shocker gang signs, carpet surfing and
Vinny's yarmulke THOSE ASS PADS. Enough was enough. Mike made it perfectly clear that he was turned off to the point of no return, and no amount of shopping trips, new hairdos and veneers could fix it. A roll of duct tape over the mouth might satisfy him, though we're pretty sure that's domestic abuse.
We've seen more of Deena's drunk-cry this season on "Jersey Shore" than we have of Mike's abs and Snooki's koo-kah combined. OK, so we haven't seen Snooki's snatch at all, thank goodness, but what is it with the Deenster and her constant waterworks? Granted, getting cuffed during a solo Meatball Day would make anyone cry. But the other 47 times? Unless someone forgot to flip the switch that runs her tear ducts, it might be time to buck up. We've mulled it over, and figured any number of things could be causing her to sob. Like losing her meatball-in-crime to Mommyland, leaving her first serious boyfriend at home to party at the shore (and missing him mucho) or, well, copious amounts of alcohol. Throw in a dose of your average chick hormones and we think we've found the source of Deena's distress. So, all that considered, we can kinda-sorta understand where she's coming from. There, there. *strokes Deena's hair*
We've all dealt with the occasional Boss From Hell (not you, Lisa!), and it's never rainbows and sunshine. "Uhhmm, yeah. I'm gonna need you to come in on Saturday. And Sunday, too. Also, can I get those TPS reports this afternoon? Thaaaanks."
When Daphne encountered her first BFH during last week's "Underemployed" our hearts went out to the business-minded firecracker. Oh, and just to clear up any confusion, we're not referring to the boss she made out with...twice. This she-witch we speak of is her boss' boss: the big boss. And right after Daphne's boss-turned-boyfriend kinda sorta took credit for her tequila ad concept, the newbie ad gal gave BFH Deb the lowdown on the pitch-steal. However, Debbie was not having any of Daphne's new-found entitlement issues, and she accused our "Underemployed" friend of behaving like a preschooler out for shiny gold stars. BUT WE LOVE GOLD STARS, DEB!!! Rather than holding it in, Daphne indulged in a stairwell sob fest--again, something
we've all some of us I've totally dealt with, despite it not being the best way to handle a verbal smackdown.
How could Daphne have better managed her bitchy big boss? We have some ideas:
1. Talk to the BFH's boss. Behaving like a condescending jerk is not listed in the "Guide To Good Managerial Skills." Deb's supervisor probably wouldn't like the fact that her employee is a big bad blonde bully.
While Mike was busy printing the perfect Shirt Under The Shirt to make things official with Paula, Pauly D was addressing more serious matters. In the below Episode 6 bonus scene, Pauly's longtime lurker, Vanessa the Stalker, along with her questionable tote bag, reappears at the Shore Store, and this time she's brought a friend. "Wait, wait. The stalker has an assistant!" Mike blurts out, but Pauly seems pretty convinced that this new random creepster is just a Vanessa copycat. "You know you're hot when your stalker has a stalker. That's Pauly D problems," he says.
Call this guy what you will--personal assistant, stalker sidekick or maybe even...sugar daddy? Notice how Vanessa asked for homeboy's permission to make a $45 purchase...that cash certainly didn't come from her wallet. Looks like she'll never have to spend another dime on "I Heart Pauly" merchandise!
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My how the Sunday dinner table has turned! Gone are the days of Snooki sneaking shots of Patron during her Shore Store lunch break, flashing her koo-kah at the club, drunkenly making out with her gal pal and getting 'cuffed at the beach, which means that this season, Deena's had to work double time. Her payment: jail.
When D failed to find a stand-in meatball on last week's "Jersey Shore," she proceeded to get blitzed beyond belief all by her lonesome, ultimately ending with a tearful dance into the arms of the law. Mission accomplished? Snooks sure thinks so in this sneak peek of tonight's new episode.
It's meatball code to pick up your friend after she falls in the sand (or boogies her way into the back of a cop car), so the preggers guidette is off to the rescue! After piling a hammered SamRon and a crippled JWOWW into her SUV, they all head to the Seaside slammer to bail out a very much in-trouble Deena. "You know it's a f*cked up world when I'm the most responsible one in the house," Nicole declares. And we can't argue that.
Check out the clip, and tune in to "Jersey Shore" tonight at 10/9c to see the aftermath of Deena's dancing-in-the-streets debacle.
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When she's not punching Ronnie in the face or yanking out JWOWW's hair extensions, Sammi "Sweetheart" actually earns her nickname. The self-proclaimed "sweetest bitch you'll ever meet" revealed her inner nice girl during last week's "Jersey Shore" when Deena had yet another meltdown over missing her boyfriend, Chris, whom she had seen mere hours before. Or maybe she was upset over her imaginary case of Toxic
Shots Shock Syndrome, we're not entirely sure.
Regardless of the reason behind Deena's tears, Sammi's reaction to her housemate's distress cued a great big "AWWWW" across the country. We assume. And that's what brings us to Sammi's biggest displays of kindness:
Offering to be Deena's stand-in meatball. While Sam could have told Deena to cowboy up and drown her out-of-control emotions in a bottle of vodka, she didn't. She recalled her own never-ending "Shore" sobfest from Season 3, and empathized. She also acknowledged that Deena was missing her meatball-in-crime, Snooki, who had just moved into her "Pregnant House" next door. "If you need me to be a meatball, I'll do my best," Sammi said. "I'm not the best meatball, but I'll do my best to be a meatball."
Snooki and little Lorenzo sure get around. After dropping the bomb on her "Jersey Shore" cast mates that she was packing up Crocadilly and moving to her own place while filming the rest of Season 6, we immediately began to miss her presence. A Snooki-less "Shore" house is like MVP without Shirts Before the Shirts!
Sure, we get it. A place where fistfights (with walls or otherwise), threesomes and dog poop pranks happen on the reg is not ideal for a pregnant meatball to rub anti-"wrinkle" goo on her stomach--but that's three moves in a matter of months! First there was her Polly Pocket pad in Jersey City, then the iconic Seaside Heights house and then...this teeny, tiny pad right next door, complete with teeny, tiny bathroom. Guess it's the perfect-sized love nest for Snooks and her sweet 'n' stocky fiancé! [Insert short joke from Roger here.]