Justin Bobby's always been a man of few words -- and last week, he said nearly all the wrong ones when he blew off Audrina Patridge (and told her he still had feelings for her arch nemesis, Kristin Cavallari). Fortunately, 'Drina dusted herself off, slapped a smile on her face and stopped by the After Show (via satellite) last night to explain what really went down at that awkward dinner with JB.

So was it as uncomfortable as it looked on TV? Actually, it was even worse! According to Audrina, Justin rambled on and on about K-Cav for almost THREE HOURS, prompting her to storm off (and him to leave Kristin that sketchy voicemail on last night's Hills). Find out whether 'Drina wants another word with Justin (Spoiler: they'll have one final showdown!), plus hear her put in her two cents about L.A. Candy, Jayde Nicole and Speidi's unborn child.

+ Watch the rest of The Hills: Live After Show, plus check out our ultimate breakup playlist and find out how we think the Jayde/Kristin showdown should've gone!

Put two sworn enemies known for PDC (Public Displays of Clawing) together in a darkly lit room, add a few cocktails, then cue the conversation about their shared ex-boyfriend. Whaddya got? Some of the boldest, bitchiest insults and accusations ever slung in Hills history. And though we're always up for a good catfight, something in us couldn't help from wondering how Kristin Cavallari and Jayde Nicole's confrontation during last night's episode would have gone down if either of them had practiced some manners. Below, we've written up a hypothetical what-could-have-been if the girls had prepared for co-starring on The Hills by first attending Charm School, or say, met for tea and crumpets instead of Grey Goose and soda.

PART I
What happened: To begin the discussion, Jayde got straight to the point and said to Kristin, "Obviously, you don't want to be here. I don't want to be here either, but I had to call you just to figure out what is going on."

What could have happened: Jayde preceded what was sure to be a tough discussion by offering up a pleasantry: "That's a pretty outfit, Kristin. I'm sorry we're meeting under such lousy circumstances, but I felt it was important to speak face to face."
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We've seen a lotta heartbreak on The Hills over the years. And watching Brody give Kristin the heave-ho tonight got us thinking about what helped us through our real-life breakups. Since we can't messenger over a pre-worn Juicy sweatsuit (and a half-empty box of mint chocolate chip ice cream), we've decided to give K-Cav and the gang the next best thing: a breakup playlist! Check it out, and read on to find out the perfect sad/angry/emo song for all your romantic foibles!

Situation: Your best friend (and former roomie) just moved in with that guy you hate
Your mood: Bitter and judgmental
Your ideal song: Something know-it-ally and disapproving. Our pick: Joe Jackson's "Is She Really Going Out With Him?" followed by Justin Timberlake's ultimate karma-is-a-bitch song, "What Goes Around Comes Around" and Beyonce's TTYN ballad, "To The Left."
Recommended dosage: Constant repeat. What, it's not like there's anyone around to hear it? (SNIFF!)

Situation: Your ex is STILL a commitment-phobic jerkwad.
Your mood: Furious ... but kinda turned on?
Your ideal song: Something loud that plays into your anger issues, like Jazmine Sullivan's "Bust Your Windows" or The Ting Tings' "Shut Up And  Let Me Go." After about a week or so, you can fall back into your old ways with Lady Gaga's "Bad Romance" and Sheryl Crow's "My Favorite Mistake."
Recommended dosage: Once an hour, or until you stop mistaking every greasy-haired motorcycle guy for your ex.

Situation: Your ex is already dating someone else
Your mood: Psychotically jealous
Your ideal song: Something scary intense and extremely self-righteous. Hands down, we gotta go with Alanis Morissette's "You Oughta Know," but feel free to sulk/plot your revenge with Kanye West's "Heartless," Avril Lavigne's "Girlfriend" and Paramore's "Misery Business"
Recommended dosage: Twice daily. Works best if you listen first thing in the morning and right before you go to bed. (Warning: Discontinue usage IMMEDIATELY if you start having not-so-family-friendly thoughts about Joey from Full House).

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Heidi nearly ripped her hubby's head off when she found out he'd planned to go in for a vasectomy without even giving her a heads-up. 'Course, time heals all wounds, so it probsies won't be long before she and Spencer can look back and laugh about the time he almost got his tubes tied ... right? Wrong.

Turns out, Mrs. Pratt's still pretty bent outta shape about her spouse's major betrayal of trust. And since open communication is the foundation of every relationship, she's decided to show him the dangers of lying by omission (i.e. by getting herself knocked up before Spencer even knows what hit him).

Watch as Heidi tries to turn her husband into a human sperm donor while Jayde decides it's time she and Kristin had another friendly little chat about the Brodester. Plus, find out what Jayde's been telling Brody behind K-Cav's back (and why Justin's still leaving Kristin voicemails!) on next week's all-new/extra scandy edition of The Hills.

Not to sound like a total prude -- or, worse, our mom and dad! -- but when we first saw these pics of The Hills' Lauren Conrad (from last night's Maxim party), we actually wondered if she'd forgotten to wear pants. Then we checked out Stephanie Pratt and Lo Bosworth's frocks and realized not ONE of their glittery getups even reached mid-thigh!

Okay, so obvs, the girls look fab (we heart their shimmers and sparkles and ruffles!) but just LOOKING at these outfits gave us a mini panic attack. And as we imagined all the things that could go wrong (what if they dropped something? or took the stairs? what if they SAT DOWN?!) we started wondering whether this rapidly disappearing dress trend's finally getting out of hand.

Are you guys ready to lop another six inches off your fave designer dresses? Or do you prefer a (slightly) less leggy look? Take the poll and tell us how short is too short!

Kristin Cavallari doesn't seem to regret kicking Justin Bobby to the curb. Instead of waiting by the phone for him to call (or send another hilarious joke text), she was out at da club, canoodling with Brody Jenner ... and getting into it with Jayde and her Playboy posse. And since she and Audrina Patridge aren't exactly besties these days ('member the birthday blowout?) K-Cav sez she found out about 'Drina getting dumped the same way the rest of us did: by watching last night's Hills!

So what was it like seeing her Hills rival get her heart broken? Last night, Kristin dropped by the After Show (via satellite) to discuss Justin's breakup bombshell, settle the Speidi score and let her fans know revenge isn't always sweet. Check it out -- then tell us whether you think K-Cav's giving it to us straight!

+ Watch the rest of The Hills: Live After Show, plus take our poll and help us decide whether Kristin's in it for love -- or for the drama!

Nothing against upper-eastsiders, vampires and serial killers, but we're hoping that catfights and hookups reign supreme Jan. 6 at the People's Choice Awards. The Hills is up against four top-notch shows (Gossip Girl, True Blood, Dexter and The Secret Life of the American Teenager) in a fight to take the Favorite TV Obsession category -- and our L.A. drama queens need YOUR help to win.

Deny it all you want to your History Channel-loving friends -- we know you're still faithfully watching The Hills (thanks to a little thing called ratings). So say it loud, say it proud: "I'm obsessed with The Hills!" Or just head over to the secret ballot at PeoplesChoice.com to cast your vote. K-Cav thanks you kindly.

In a juicy, no-holds-barred interview with the UK's Daily Mail, City girl Whitney Port explains what it's like to be a shy, "non-attention seeking person" starring on an MTV reality show. Among the topics du jour? Whit opens up about having "fat days," feeling out of place on The Hills and having a lingering obsession with Jay Lyon's music.

We've laid out our five favorite quotes below (including the part where Whit describes costar Olivia Palermo as "difficult, cold and aloof"), so read on to hear Whitney dish the dirt about being in the spotlight.

On getting overshadowed by her Hills costars:
"[W]hen I was on The Hills, there wasn’t a focus on me, I just got on with my day job. But I became genuine friends with Lauren [Conrad] and I got to know the gang – Heidi Montag, Spencer Pratt, etc – who were already well-known. But in terms of attention, I just wasn’t in their league."

On how she ended up with her own spinoff:
"I think [MTV] recognized that I am a neutral person, that they could base The City on me and I’d be the solid one, the one that people could relate to. And I gave them a disclaimer; I said, 'If you guys are looking for me to start the dramas, then I’m not that person.'"

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If you like Twitter and heart The Hills, you'll love our late Friday edition of the Hills Twitter roundup! After the jump, find out what's got Justin Bobby pre-programming his DVR, Lauren Conrad snickering under her breath and Lo Bosworth thinking 'bout exploring her sporty side.

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Sure, Brody and Kristin have been spending a lot of time together -- and, yeah, he DID tell us he and his lady were "on a break" -- but we weren't expecting to see him cozy up to his ex for at least two or three more episodes. Thankfully, we seem to have underestimated the power (and influence) of one Kristin Cavallari.

Yep, things move pretty quickly in Hills universe, and next week, K-Cav and Brody are already starting to think about becoming boyfriend-girlfriend again! But don't worry, Team Jayde-ers -- your girl's not going down without a (very public!) catfight.

Meanwhile, Audrina's finally opening up about her feelings for (the newly single) Justin Bobby, but it looks as though her hard-hearted ex might've finally moved on for good.

+ Get a sneak peek of all the relationship drama coming your way, then tune in next Tuesday night to find out who's making up, who's breaking up and who's ready to rebound on The Hills!