Welp, Sadie Saxton could only be Sensitive Sadie Saxton for so long, and on the latest episode of “Awkward,” the PHHS Queen Bee found herself elbow-deep in her old bag of tricks. To embarrass Jenna Hamilton beyond repair, Sadie sneakily pitched the story of the blogger’s fall from grace to Vice Principal/Guidance Counselor Val for her after school special project, and when Val allowed her to star, “Awkward” fans fell in love with Molly Tarlov as Sadie as
Through the inimitable power of the old-school A.S.S. (complete with reassuring alto sax riffs), Jenny taught audiences crucial life lessons involving the morality of smoking near dumpsters, the importance of group hugs and the value in reaffirming just how disgusting you are over and over again. So throw down your backpack, toss some Jiffy Pop into the microwave and prepare your mind to be blown.
1) Chucking stuffed animals at your mother’s fake breasts will properly articulate your anger: Where words sometimes fail, nailing your mother in the bizongas with a Beanie Baby knock-off will really catch her attention. Conversation is antiquated; slow-pitch Bilbo the Bear and his woodland friends at your mom to effectively get your rage across!
2) Half-shouting “Nooooo!” will maybe awaken your unconscious boyfriend: Hospitals are the pits, and we can all agree gurneys are uncomfortable as f**k, so when your boyfriend ODs on meds that look suspiciously like Skittles, work your timbre into a half-assed yell that won’t wake the neighbor’s dog, but might compel it to roll over mid-nap.
3) Do drugs near dumpsters for the best high: Turns out, it’s not the quality of the bud or the make of your bong that can help you better float off to a different world — it’s the location that matters most. In Val’s A.S.S., Jenny found the perfect spot to smoke and gobble down pills: beside a giant metal dumpster. Her own personal Skid Row!
4) The power of a scarf transcends fashion: Who’s the most sought-after Spring 2014 designer? Who cares, as long as he or she makes clothes that Jenny can use to off herself! With all her grievances considered, it’s no wonder Jenny was ready to throw in the towel, which she probably would have used if this scene took place in the bathroom…
5) Ultimately, flying a kite will absolve you of guilt and earn back your friends’ respect: So, you’ve done irreparable damage to your friendships, destroyed your permanent record and sunk to an all-time low. What’s left? Fly a kite, of course! Yup, whether it’s a single-liner, barn door or an old-fashioned diamond, you’ll find yourself closer to peace with every inch it ascends. It’s that easy!
Re-watch Sadie as Jenny:
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