For the barmaids of “Big Tips Texas,” there’s nothing better in life than a few minnow shots with friends, a perfect pair of cowboy boots and a bar top sturdy enough to hold a Miley-style twerk. And though getting down between pint glasses is a blast, things can come crashing down in an instant with a single misstep. Bar dance fails are a real danger, friends, and they could very well haunt you for happy hours to come.
Whether it’s a slip on some spilled vodka or an accidental nudge from a fellow rug-cutter, the falls, trips and stumbles that can result from bar boogieing would make even the proudest lush consider a life of stone cold sobriety. While we’re sure the ladies of Redneck Heaven are pros at this genre of dance by now, even experts need the occasional refresher course from time to time, so we’ve singled out nine types of particularly embarrassing watering hole mishaps that they — and everyone else — should be mindful not to make.
The Classic Slip: As Kelly Clarkson demonstrated in her “I Do Not Hook Up” video, the higher the heel, the bigger the fall. Kel might have been able to play the spill off like it was nothin’, but few are so lucky.
The Trap Door: Test the density of the dance floor before you decide to show off your stellar acrobatics on it.
The Techie: If you’re the type to pull out your smartphone in the middle of a dance party, it’s not your body but your social stock that could plummet. Stop Instagramming your life and start living it, OKAY?
The Slow And Steady: If you’re too drunk or too tired to keep up with your fellow partiers, it’s time to take that immobile ass home. Grab a late-night slice, snuggle up to Mr. Whiskers and leave the real dancing to the pros.
The Solo Artist: Sure, everyone marches to the beat of their own drummer, or whatever, but one-man dance parties are only rewarding for strippers. Who’s gonna catch “this bitch” when she breaks a heel?
The Dying Fish: Beyond the pelvic bruises that will manifest after your bout of boozy bar humping, going horizontal is downright rude to your fellow groovers. Standing room only!
The Wide-Stanced Wipeout: Finding your center of gravity is crucial in matters of successful bar dancing — physics is your friend, and so is maintaining a shoulder-width stance at all times. Still, practice makes perfect, and we have every confidence this chick has what it takes to one day graduate from the bathroom sink to the glorious bar top.
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