Comedian Jessimae Peluso Breaks Down VMAs Red Carpet ‘Code’ For Newbies

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From left: Jamie Lee, Jessimae Peluso and Carly Aquilino of “Girl Code.”

The 2013 VMAs are so close, we can practically hear the bass thumping from the Barclays Center. No sleep till Brooklyn, ya hear? You can sleep next week, after Lady Gaga has opened the show, after Miley has twerked her little tush off, after Justin Timberlake has accepted his Vanguard Award. Mmm’kay?

Prepping for the big night never gets old here at MTV headquarters, but this year, we added something new to our checklist to help service the VMA newbies: red carpet rules! As we all know, ANYTHING can happen when you gather a bunch of famous people wearing peculiar fashions (raw meat comes to mind) together in one common area, and for first-time event-goers such as the “Girl Code” comedians, it helps to have some guidelines to navigate the high celeb seas. Jessimae Peluso of “GC,” who plans to attend the VMAs with cast mate and “Money from Strangers” host Jeff Dye, was kind enough to assist us in drafting the first-ever VMAs Red Carpet Code of Conduct. Just don’t expect her to follow it.

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Nicky Minaj, just being herself, at the 2011 VMAs.

Dress For The Occasion
This ain’t the Oscars, so save the Yves Saint Laurent gown for a more civilized event. The VMAs are all about expressing your individuality! In a pinch, you can always go with a food-themed get-up — Jessimae says she’s taking a cue from Gaga and dressing as either a salami sandwich or Gefilte fish.

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Justin Timberlake with Jesse Eisenberg and Andrew Garfield, who may or may not have tripped Justin Timberlake in order to grab this 2010 VMAs photo with him.

Don’t Gawk
If you’re attending the VMAs for the first time, you’re clearly not an A-lister (yet, at least), which means you’re probably not used to being surrounded by big stars. Jessimae, who’s crossing her fingers that John Stamos will make an appearance, advises that you refrain from using the “over-the-counter creepazoid stare” upon spotting a big-deal celeb. Instead, trick them into noticing you! “I would probably just pretend that they tripped me, so they would have to talk to me,” Jessimae says. “Throw myself over Justin Timberlake’s leg.” (Caveat: Don’t trip Kanye.)

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Alicia Keys, not afraid to face the camera straight-on (and pop some hip!) at the 2012 VMAs.

Avoid Optical Illusions
Anyone who walks red carpets often generally puts a great deal of effort into mastering the perfect paparazzi pose (i.e. one that won’t make them look fat), and while Jessimae has heard that you shouldn’t face the camera straight-on in order to minimize the waistline, she prefers not to look like a “boy who needs a sandwich.” Fair enough, right? “I want to do whatever pose that makes it so whatever girls see the photo, she’s gonna feel good about herself,” she says. “So whatever’s natural.”

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Wearing heels this high should be left to pros like Demi Lovato.

Leave the Hooker Heels at Home
It’s simple, Jessimae points out: “I don’t think you should be allowed to wear heels that when you’re walking, they’re so uncomfortable they make you look like a drunk pterodactyl.” No, you don’t have to rush out to the nearest Easy Spirit store — just pass on the shoes that turn you into a Weeble Wobble. “You’re supposed to look sexy, not like a giraffe that’s on Xanax,” Jessimae says.

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Pink, who most definitely took her ‘do for a long walk after the 2012 VMAs.

Extend Your Mileage
You won’t turn into a pumpkin at midnight, even if you opt for a pair of sensible glass slippers, so make those fake eyelashes and push-up bra count! Crash a few after parties, hit the club, make a 5 a.m. run to Taco Bell — you’re hot stuff, and ripe for a one-night-stand! “I’m gonna take my hair for a walk!” Jessimae says of her post-show plans. “When you get your hair and makeup done, you can’t waste that s**t! You’ll see me the next morning crashing some kid’s birthday party with my makeup on.” Hope that kid likes Gefilte fish!

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Photos: Michelle Crowe, Getty Images