How To Be A Recording Artist In Three Easy Steps, As Seen On ‘Zach Stone’

Singer

Even the most talented singers might never hear their work hit radio waves, but if you’re Zach Stone, success in the recording industry is as easy as one, two, three. The man with a plan (or without one, depends on who you ask) committed to making musical waves on Episode 2 of “Zach Stone Is Gonna Be Famous,” and we have to say: It was all pretty fool proof. As long as you’ve got a novelty sweater, some shears and a shaken-up bottle of teenage angst, you’re all set!

Below is an abridged guide á la Sir Stone on how to break through that dreaded Hollywood red tape to successfully land in the Billboard big leagues. Check ‘em out, and you’ll be a regular Britney in no time!

1) Jump out of your friend’s car before it’s completely stopped. Every successful artist will advise you to follow your inspiration as soon as you get it, and with Zach, the stroke of genius came inside of Amy‘s coupe…while it was in motion. Once he realized young people only have the musical attention span of houseflies, he demanded Amy stop her car, rounded up his band (a.k.a. Greg) and got down to business recording his masterpiece gimmick: a collection of ringtone-length tracks. Think Flo Rida didn’t stop his consultation with his trusted jeweler to jot down “Right Round“? Pffft.

2) Cut up the holiday sweater your mom bought you to underscore your rage. Shiny Happy People” is an ironic R.E.M. song, not a testament to the true human spirit. To really get a sense of your artistry, you have to tap into your anger, which Zach did when he cut the sleeves off the sweater his mother bought him for their annual Christmas photo, stormed out after fighting with his dad and scheduled a performance at the local sparsely attended music hall. No bad-ass was ever photographed beside a digitized Frosty and remained a bad-ass.

3) Cast a girl who shouts obscenities at your audience (without provocation) as your backup singer. Even Ozzy Osbourne needs edgy band members, and Zach got one supporting player in the form of his crush — a cheerleadery-looking (but secretly freaky) Christy. When Zach couldn’t seem to win his audience over, Christy sealed the deal with a triumphant shout of “Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu**,” which brought the begrudging crowd to life. Who needs Red Bull when you’ve got the prom queen’s foul mouth on your side?

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