“If you’ve ever posted naked pictures online, gotten your girlfriend’s Facebook password or flirted with your trainer, we’re on to you.”
Bring it, Hasan Minhaj — we eagerly await the day we can square off. The “Failosophy” host and his crew of Internet experts gathered for yet another session of uncomfortable virtual confessions this week, and featuring everything from an all-male adult tea party (including frilly dresses!) to tales of doin’ it next to a washer/dryer, there was no shortage of shameful stories. Still, there were three online misfires that horrified us more than the rest.
First, a late night Walgreen’s peruser stumbled upon a gentleman buying beef jerky and Astroglide in one fell swoop. To each his own, right? Evidently, though, the shopper thought this was the stuff of romance, and immediately posted a Missed Connections ad on Craigslist requesting to “get slippery” with the dried meat lover. Racy!
The questionable behavior continued when a gym-goer — who had the hots for her trainer — successfully roped in her crush by requesting a training session, but proceeded to fart in his face as soon as they started the horizontal leg exercises. Good luck getting out of that membership!
In terms of gossip, no one did it better than the Fourth of July party pooper, who called 911 on his neighbor’s firework display because he genuinely thought it was gunfire. Guess who’s not invited to the next block party?
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