What To Expect When You’re Expecting: Snooki Edition

If you’ve ever rifled through your mother’s old books, you might have found anything from cheesy romance novels, to Ayn Rand offerings, to dogeared self-help best-sellers (“Don’t Sweat The Small Stuff” ring a bell?), but you most definitely came upon the go-to pregnancy manual, “What To Expect When You’re Expecting.” Everyone who’s ever been pregnant deems this book necessary reading if you’ve got your own bun in the oven — even Snooki, who has never been one to conform to the norm, was most likely flipping through its pages when she was with child.

Between filming her first season of “Snooki & JWOWW” and last season of “Jersey Shore,” all while sporting a bump, the guidette’s pregnancy was certainly one for the books. So now that little Lorenzo’s made his way into the world, she’s planning on writing her own! Nicole recently tweeted that she’s “in the process” of penning the ultimate guidebook for expecting guidettes, but because this is such a huge undertaking for a new mom, we’ve been helping out with some of the research. Sure, no one actually asked us to do this, but we think our findings will be invaluable to Nicole’s writing process. Here’s what we’ve compiled so far:

Expect to Feel Fat and Unsexy. When Jenni, Nicole and their gal pals decided to go on a trip to Cancun during Season 1 of “Snooki & JWOWW,” the pregnant meatball felt self-conscious about her growing baby bump, and though she traded in her bikini for a cute flowing frock, stretching out on the sand next to her lean, tanned friends made her feel like a beached whale.

Expect to Fight with Your Man. It’s not uncommon for a mom-to-be to hop on the crazy train now and again due to the fact that a human child growing inside her is completely restructuring her body’s makeup. So when Snooki pounced on Jionni for tweeting a picture of himself with another girl at a bar, she may not have been in the most rational of places. Especially since the girl in the photo turned out to be his cousin — i.e. her future in-law. Whoops! Chalk that one up to hormonal rage!

snookifallTHUMB

Expect to Fall on Your Butt. Despite being totally sober through her entire pregnant stay in Seaside, Snooki’s equilibrium was a little off. Stupid gravity! Cameras captured one particularly painful looking fall last summer due to a combination of this pesky side effect and a pair of sky-high wedges. The take-home? Wear flats when you’re knocked up.

Don’t Expect Any Smushing. Being tired is nothing new for Snooki (going on benders will do that to ya) but instead of late-night partying, it was clearly the baby that caused her increased need for rest. Much to Jionni’s chagrin, a perpetually fatigued Snooks also meant no hanky panky (unless of course, it helped the baby). For many months, her bedroom was used exclusively for sleeping.

Expect Pickle Cravings. It’s not exactly a secret that Snooki’s favorite food is pickles topped with pickles wrapped in pickles, so this pregnancy side effect was most welcome. Good thing she even loves a good pickle mocktail.

Expect Tear-Inducing Heartburn. Toward the end of her pregnancy, Nicole was feeling physically uncomfortable pretty much all of the time. During a barbecue at the LaValle residence, she may have overdone it with the sausages, because soon after eating she was writhing on the couch in pain. Not even a beautiful surprise nursery could quell her bellyache.

Don’t Expect to Poop. When Lorenzo finally arrived (after 27 hours of labor!) Snooki was lucky enough to evade her biggest fear of going Number 2 mid-birth, but the two-day ordeal left her needing a bathroom worse than ever. What better way to shake pregnancy constipation than by actually having the baby?

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Photo: Thelonius/Splash News