A Little Help For Our ‘Inbetweeners’ Friends: On The Topics Of Underage Drinking, Pee-Filled Shoes And Bad Timing

Those four naive boys comprising “The Inbetweeners” are entertaining without a doubt, but sometimes you just want to throw ‘em a helping hand, or the world’s largest lifeboat, to rescue them from death by humiliation. Each week, we’re spotlighting the guys’ most embarrassing moments from the current episode, and detailing how someone a teensy bit smoother might’ve wiggled their way out of the situation. Consider it a service to you, dear reader, so you never have to endure the same kind of ongoing shame.

The scenario: A half-hour late to the club and in desperate need of ditching their car, Simon slotted the Muppet Mobile into a dark alley, inhabited by a homeless man who offered to protect the clunker…if Simon traded shoes with him. Hmm, one pair of squeaky clean kicks for a lookout and the scent of bum pee? Someone needs to work on his negotiation tactics. And if that wasn’t bad enough, dude then assaulted his crush’s nostrils with the stank of pee and admitted utter defeat to her.

The takeaway: Simon! Simonnnnn. This one’s so entry-level we can’t believe we have to spell it out. Repeat after us, young ‘Inbetweener’, for a glorious conversational turn-around with the love of your life: “I made the trade because I wanted to feel what it’s like to walk in a homeless man’s shoes.” Follow it up with a little, “Why should I be blessed with squeaky clean sneakers while he’s living in an alley?” Or, there’s always “We traded in exchange for him doing me a favor. It’s like micro-lending, only more hands-on.” Learn this lesson, friend: Always go for the heartstrings. Always.

The scenario: When Jay was unable to buy beer at the bowling alley, Will stepped up to the plate, enlisting a friendly yet questionable compadre to get the gang a round. When Will returned to the table, he had four brewskis and a new creepy pal, instantly making this circle of friends uncomfortable and causing them to jet from the, ahem, super-cool hangout as fast as humanly possible.

The takeaway: As the boys get older and attend back-to-back frat parties or cry while reading “The Secret” or get stuck at a dreadful “industry mixer” they’re required to attend for work, they’ll learn that talking to new people is something that can at times be worthwhile. These four have got years ’til they can buy booze without the threat of cops bursting through the liquor store’s doors, so a 21+ friend can certainly come in handy. Sure, they may have to lift some cars, and alright, he’s not the best cohort to woo Carly with, but give that dude a nice pair of skinny jeans, tell everyone he’s in an indie rock band and boom! Discomfort is a small price to pay for avoiding juvy.

The scenario: After being “personally invited” to the club by Carly’s BFF Sloane–we saw that too, dude, we know you’re not making it up!–Will was appalled to find that the object of his hair-twirling affection was cozied up on a couch with a bro that looked twice her age. Once Will became the recipient of an inspirational speech from Jay about how he’s gotta play the game (“It’s like chess. With your dick.”), the vest-wearing near-nerd got the courage to confront them but immediately imploded.

The takeaway: Now, Will almost had this one. While Jay was out learning to control his nether regions, Neil was doing lord knows what in the men’s bathroom (aren’t there any stalls?!) and Simon was suffering some serious pee karma, Will was thisclose to reigning in that babe Carly’s been chilling with all week. Only problem? His timing. If he waited until that brosef went to the bathroom, he could have scooped in, had two minutes of alone time to tell her how he’s the real deal and left with her head, not ponytail, swirling. And, even if Sloane was trying to make him jealous, you can’t call a girl out on her game! You gotta fight fire with fire! Next time, tell her the guy she’s into is using her (like he did with the two chicks he loved n’ left last weekend), and that if she wants someone who won’t cause her to cry into her morning Chai tea, tonight’s her last shot. Should do the trick.

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