This Week’s ‘WakeBros’ Gold Medalist: Phil, For Remaining Dateless

Brothers Phil and Bob Soven don’t have a ton in common outside of their sport, but one thing they do noticeably share is a drive to be on top. And don’t you just love some healthy competition? Each week, we’re using all sorts of secret charts and equations to determine which of the brothers was most worthy of the gold medal in…life. Have a look at tonight’s winner.

Even a billboard erected in his honor couldn’t find Phil a tolerable date on tonight’s “WakeBrothers,” but fortunately for him, remaining single was all part of his master plan.

Soon after Bob roused his big brother (and Phil’s “guest” for the night) with a church choir number, the siblings and their mother, Michelle, went back and forth in the kitchen about Phil’s tendency to objectify girls. His mom urged him to take relationships more seriously, and pleaded with him to allow her to organize a fix-up. Bob wanted in on the mission as well, and Phil reluctantly made a deal: He’d let them choose a date, but if things didn’t work out, they had to get off his back for a full year. The gauntlet was thrown, and the game faces were on.

Bob’s first plan of attack (after decisively committing to finding Phil a nice Jewish girl) was to scour a singles mixer thrown exclusively for the Chosen People. The legendary ginger found some sizable racks–Phil’s primary female requirement–but few true candidates, and decided he needed to up the ante. Unfortunately, a grand billboard featuring Phil’s photo and phone number yielded nothing but duds as well, and Bob looked ready to wave the white flag.

Michelle wasn’t ready to accept defeat, though, and found a girl she thought would be perfect for her son. Allie was cute, brunette and…dull as paper. And the fact that she and Bob coincidentally shared mutual high school friends was the straw that broke the camel’s back. The two agreed the date was a disaster and went their separate ways.

Congratulations to Phil, for victoriously remaining alone. And Bob? Better luck next time, buddy.

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