Where Would Daria Morgendorffer Be Today? We Investigate.

She came. She saw. She sighed. It’s been years since Daria Morgendorffer last lackadaisically shared her high school days with the MTV crowd, and while we’re thrilled the hipster prototype will be back in the form of reruns soon (July 30 to August 3, to be Retro Mania-exact), we wondered what the surly-but-lovable Russian Lit-fanatic might be up to in real time. College professor? Predictable cop out. Self-published Dystopian novelist? Maybe a little too on the nose.

Since speculating is the only avenue we have to take, we strung together three out-of-the-box possibilities as to where the “Sick, Sad World” subscriber ended up after attending Raft College. Because people can change.

1) Party Girl-Turned-Townie Housewife: Having predictably spent freshman year as a library-dwelling recluse, Daria committed to breaking into Raft’s Greek Life strata when she discovered her crush from 8 a.m. Tolstoy lab was also the community service chair for the campus’ respected Beta Theta Pi chapter. Pledge period proved to be more of a surprising joy than a means to an end for Daria, though, and the bookworm slowly evolved into a card-carrying party girl whose lime-mango shooters grew into the stuff of campus legend. After neglecting her coursework in favor of planning KKG’s (wooooo, sisters!) spring break getaways in her remaining undergraduate years, Daria earned her degree by the skin of her teeth but found love en route in a second-string club baseball shortstop named Regis, whom she’d met at a mixer. The couple wedded soon after commencement, had two children by their mid-20s and are mainstays at the local VFW on $2 pitcher night.

2) Pro-Republican Canvasser: Daria was as blue as they come when she arrived at Raft, but when Quinn was mistakenly admitted to the competitive school shortly thereafter, the older Morgendorffer swore to remain at odds with her little sister by any means possible. Quinn fell into the Young Democrat crowd as a freshman when House Republicans moved to spike birth control copays, and when Daria noticed her sister picketing outside of the General Studies building after George W. Bush’s contentious reelection, she declared herself a Dubya-loyalist. What began as a joke developed into a fiery right-wing conviction, though, and by her senior year, Daria had effectively curbed on-campus drinking as Student Assembly Head. Daria “Recession Who?” Morgendorffer is now a successful hedge fund investor who enjoys polo and thinking of ways to keep children away from her house on Halloween.

3) Parents’ House-dwelling Has-been: Daria showed tremendous potential at the college-prep level, but once the strain of upper-level academia set in, she had a breakdown, moved back into her parents’ nest before first-semester midterms and grew comfortable watching infomercials featuring saline solutions that make doorknobs less slippery. Her two successful parents urged her to pursue her more artistic inclinations until she was ready to re-enroll at Raft, but Daria found a less-stressful groove slowly soiling her single bathrobe. Nowadays, Daria aims to drink out of the carton less and find someone who knows where the second remote control is–like, the one that controls volume but not the channels.

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Photos: MTV.com gallery