The twentysomething Brooklynites of “I Just Want My Pants Back” might be masters of witty banter, but their actions speak louder than words–and their actions are often questionable. We took a look at the most amateurish (yet awesome) behavior exhibited THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE SEASON, tallying up every individual’s offensiveness with a concrete point system (3 points for each previous week’s gold, 2 for silver and 1 for bronze) and got our final answer as to who’s least likely to ever ditch the training wheels and leave the borough’s squalor behind them. Check out the results below.
JASON (20 points): It might be a surprise to see the guy with such a good head on his shoulders top the list. Kidding! Jason is an unabashed wreck and has devoured gold medals week after week since the competition got under way. From falling for a girl who first wanted to bump uglies in the fridge (that’s a solid, three-pointer, folks) to allowing the sight of her weeks later to kill his chance at a killer job, Jason was a mess when it came to dealing with the fallout from the hookup that stole his pants and hung him out to dry–or, as he liked to call her, the love of his life, Jane. Along the path to healing, Jason temped as an accidental prostitute, got it on with a chick with “binosaur” baggage and slept with an old friend he was sure was using him for acting gigs that he couldn’t actually provide (all gold-medal worthy, as well!). Sadly, when Jason came to his senses at the end of the season, it meant letting Jane go once and for all, but he can take solace in his first-place finish with an impressive season-spanning 20 points.
AMATEUR STANDING: GOLD
TINA (14 points): She certainly put up a good fight, but Tina’s few flashes of competence throughout the season could only earn her a collective second place, and the competition’s perpetual golden girl was relegated to the runner-up spot. She got off on the wrong foot (or the right one, in a competitive sense) when she refused to move on from her fling with the thinly mustached Brett. And each time the guy re-emerged from the woodwork, and Tina took him back, she continued to rack in the amateur prestige. Still, while disturbingly amateur, her insistence to let a friend incorrectly diagnose a non-STD and choice to date a Green Day wannabe both fell short of winning. And even though she made an absolute mess of things during the finale, Jason ultimately beat her out for the top spot by 6 points. Hey, at least the fall from non-grace amounted to officially taking Photographer Paul off the market. Just, please, no mention of that virgin intern whose V-card you snatched…
AMATEUR STANDING: SILVER
STACEY AND ERIC (11 points): He wants to be a doctor. She wants to be a lawyer. Let the constant rounds of stress-induced couple’s bickering commence! While Stacey and Eric were both strikingly more adept than their single friends, their arguing over a bed and incomplete plan for group sex (both 1 point-earners) still definitely proved they were wet behind the ears. The collective totem-pole bottom finally got their first-place moment in the sun when they thought they were ready for honest conversation (in short, they weren’t…), and even continued the top mark streak when they deferred to their usual bodega for a pregnancy test they wanted to keep secret (honestly?!). Still, they saw the season out quietly, and even though we left Stacey concerned about what will happen to her med school dropout boyfriend, the relatively calm qualm could not compete with Jason’s and Tina’s antics. Stacey and Eric collectively earned a respectable 11 points for the season, but maybe they’ll fare differently if we see how their saga continues on another season of “Pants.” Let’s hope!
AMATEUR STANDING: BRONZE
Dig Remote Control? Follow us on Twitter, like, now.