Coral Smith (aka @ThatCoral) might be all smiles in the photo below, but the "Challenge" queen bee has still got some fighting words tucked behind those pearly whites. Check back each week for her take on the lying, backstabbing and hookups that are sure to accompany "Battle of the Exes."
Hey everyone! So, this story begins in a pit with TJ Lavin, also known as the luckiest man on the planet since he decided to lean that bike on its kickstand and start this hosting gig. Standing among him are 26 of the most random sets of ex-Real Worlders, Road Rulers and Fresh Meaters I've ever seen. Really quickly:
Emily has no interest in seeing Ty, which I understand since his shirt is so tight it’s cutting off his air supply, Paula thinks Dunbar sucks and Dustin made some sex tapes so Heather left his sorry ass. Wait, Mark and Robin? The guy is 40, so it will be amazing to see if he keels over and croaks or wins it all just to delay Medicaid.
Inside the house, Jasmine smashes a photo of her kissing Tyrie to prove just how over her ex-fling she is. Dude, he knows. We know. Your mother knows. Move on. Heather and Nate don’t notice the shattered glass and start trash-talking the vets, discussing who they’d vote into The Dome. Slow down, jackasses--you haven't even seen the first mission yet.
Speaking of which--scraping honey off of each other’s bodies over water into a bucket? Are you serious? My eyes are bleeding. I thought this whole time I was watching "Battle of the Exes," not "The Biggest Loser." Did my remote malfunction? Did my pup turn the station? Nope, it's just Sarah's partner, Vinny, and his colossal gut in 3-D. By the time he's done, the honey vat is full of rookie juice, pubic hair, weave tracks and jealousy. Yum.
No surprise: Rookies Priscilla and Nate can’t manage a solid scrape technique and get a ticket to The Dome. But Camila and Johnny switch things up when they send Wes and Mandi to face them in elimination, which is a ballsy move! I feel Wes' pain--it's no fun to be voted into anything besides a big pool of money.
The Dome turns out to be this slow-ass boring game of jump and duck, and I drift off. Then Priscilla falls on her ass and I'm up! But after several playbacks of her hilarious spill and Nate’s tumble off his platform, Wes and Mandi stand in the winners' circle. The rivalry between Wes and Bananas begins, and I predict it will offer all the satisfaction of a Snickers bar.
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Photo courtesy of Coral Smith