Beavis And Butt-Head Take On Justin Bieber’s Paternity Scandal

Beavis And Butt-Head always have a unique perspective on pop culture trends and happenings (whatever it is, it’s “stupid,” no matter what). And since we’re pretty fond of imitating their gruff banter, we’re being so bold as to craft an imaginary page out of an imaginary episode’s script. This week, we’re taking on how we think the guys might react to Justin Bieber’s paternity scandal

Beavis and Butt-Head approach the couch with chili dogs, sit down and turn on the TV to watch E! News. Ryan Seacrest reports that 20-year-old Mariah Yeater claims Justin Bieber is the father of her unborn child.

Beavis

Woah, so, like, two chicks can have a baby now? Don’t they, like, need a guy?

Butt-Head

Uhh, Justin Bieber’s a dude, dumbass. He just has, like, really delicate features and, like, a milky complexion, or whatever.

Beavis

Oh, OK. Whatever, Butt-Head. Anyway, quiet–this chick is saying something else about the other chick: the chick who’s a chick and not a guy who looks like he’s a chick but isn’t actually a chick.

Ryan Seacrest pops up and announces that Yeater has dropped the allegations against Bieber.

Butt-Head

Woah, so the baby’s, like, gone? Where did it go?

Beavis

Did she, like, lose the baby? Maybe she, like, left it at the site of her lip ring piercing and it’s like, moonlighting there to get through vocational school.

Butt-Head

Yeah, the baby’s all like, “Welcome to Sting Ray, sir or madam. Please have a seat while we, like, sterilize your needle for insertion.”

Beavis

Do you think Justin Bieber, like, knows his kid is gone? What if he, like, wanted to teach it the basics of a curvy bang swoop? Or like, play catch, or whatever?

Butt-Head

Uhhhh, I dunno, Beavis. I don’t think he can play baseball. He’s like, from Canada. He plays, like, Canadian baseball, which is harder because it’s, like, in metric.

Beavis

Oh.

Ryan Seacrest announces that Dakota Fanning has learned to do laundry.

Butt-Head

Uhh, can he like, shut up?

Beavis

This sucks.

Beavis and Butt-Head turn off the TV and leave the room.

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Photo: Christian Augustin/Getty Images