If you can believe it, “Jersey Shore” fans, we’re already more than halfway through Season 4, which, for the cast, called for a short alcohol-infested and underwearless stay at the exotic beach-adjacent destination known as Riccione.
Despite a rocky start for Snooki, in which she was put on the defensive about her potentially toxic relationship with Jionni, the group was bright-eyed, bushy-tailed and well packed when they first arrived in the small town and set off to see the sights bars. Yet after a flurry of mid-day cocktails and the departure of Jenni and Sam (who were fed up with Team Meatball’s OOC antics), Deena and Snooki heard the familiar sound of house music in the distance, entered the gates of their own personal heaven (which bore a striking resemblance to a no-frills function hall) and danced. And danced. And danced. On top of that chair. Into that bush. Until Snooki’s top came down and Deena’s “underwears” followed suit.
The concern of their housemates spiked, but not enough to miss dinner, to which the sober (by comparison) six eventually made their way, leaving two partially nude Team Meatballers to their sloppy rug-cutting devices. As Mike put it: “They’re the meatballs and aren’t making it to the sauce.”
Predictably, the completely sloshed pair showed up late to dinner, ate with their fingers and held up the group from smashing the nearby club’s beat at a reasonable hour. It was all business once the table was cleared and the meal was finally paid for, and though Deena could barely open her eyes, she nodded yes when Snooki reassured her, “If we both get crazy, it’s not a big deal.” Keep that one in mind, folks. Those in the literary world might refer to such a statement as the “experimental lesbian foreshadow.”
Bartender: A round of shots for my friends, please. A round of shots for my enemies. A round of shots for EVERYONE WHO JUST SAW DEENA’S VAGINA IN THAT GLASS PARTITION’S REFLECTION. Again, the “underwears” were gone (she forgot them at the hotel, this time) but that didn’t stop her from mounting anything and everything static. After a good scolding on club etiquette from Jenni, Deena met back up with the night’s partner-in-crime, straddled her atop a barstool and proceeded to play bobbing-for-my-friend’s-uvula. Passionate kisses extended for hours and hours, into the cab home and all across the living room back at the suite. Sam’s nightmarish “20 hour porn” finally came to an end when the two passed out in the same bed.
The harsh rays of morning beat through the window and onto the many casualties of the preceding evening, as Pauly D Ronnie woke up the group (hey, that’s some straight SWAGGA JACKIN’) for breakfast. Naturally, as Deena and Snooks were temporarily comatose, they chose to remain horizontal for the time being, until the conscious crowd returned, forced them out of bed and into the two cars—which now carried twice the luggage and half of the dignity—to head back to Florence.
With two systems full of booze and the sweat of almost-sex still fresh on their bodies, Deena and Snooki decided it was time to get back into the swing of things and head to the gym. Trouble is, that involved driving in Florence; what looks to be real life’s Frogger adaptation. Deena clung to her passenger’s seat as Snooki the chauffeur darted past pedestrians, got cut off by rogue scooters and narrowly missed the corner of a couple of buildings. For her efforts, though, she could not avoid the most harrowing impediment of all: a…parked…police car…and…BOOM! Stretcher was pulled out, breathalyzer was stuck in and the boys dashed to the scene of the kind-of-crime after a frantic call from Deena, who begged them to bring Snooki’s license.
How will Team Meatball sneak out of this one? Find out next week, when we finally meet the straight-and-narrow
Jionni, and Jenni calls Snooki an a**hole…LOUDLY!
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