What Would Coral Do? (Yes… Coral!)

Wes is knee-deep in conspiracy. Jasmine‘s shattered even more glass. Mandi has proudly declared a penchant for constricted airways during sex. Three episodes deep, it appears as though things are business as usual on this installment of “The Challenge,” and we love the “Rivals” cast for that.

Still, we couldn’t help but wonder–between Mike‘s universally popular cornfield PSA and the descent of CT‘s mattress from the second-floor balcony–if something was missing. “Rivals” is solid, but maybe the recipe could use a little something extra. Salt? Pepper?

Or… Coral.

To the chagrin of everyone with a funny bone, it looks like this fan favorite might have hung up her Challenge shoes for good–we’ve seen neither hide nor hair of her since her sour exit from “The Gauntlet lll.” And try as we might, we’re not ready to let the foulest of all mouths go. We’re just not, OK?!

So, to honor she-who-once-famously-uttered “I don’t wrestle, I f***ing beat bitches up,” here’s how we imagine our favorite funnywoman with a heart of gold and the perfect “platter of t***ies” (her words, not ours) might have handled Costa Rica had she accepted a bid to join the “Rivals” cast.

1. Strangers with Mandi

The Situation: Wes, Kenny, Johnny and Evan decided that the only boots that belonged beneath Mandi’s bed were a stone swan’s. When the second-timer returned to her bunk and found the massive bird, she shrugged it off, had a good laugh and carried on.

WWCD? Having been the victim of not one but two totally independent between-the-sheets potty breaks (courtesy of Julie on “The Inferno” and Tonya on “Fresh Meat”), Coral is no stranger to unwanted nighttime play pals. After quickly demoralizing the otherwise-feared foursome for being stupid corn-fed white boys, we imagine Coral might smack a broken quarter of the bird upside each offender’s head.

2. Jonna and Jasmine get dirty in ‘Sync or Swim’

The Situation: When Theresa and Camila got sick of being slighted by Jasmine and Jonna–who sent a bit of stray dirt their way in the heat of the competition–the two hotheads boiled over and showered their competitors in a flurry of mud and grime.

WWCD? Our dear friend suffered through an oatmeal bath on “Fresh Meat,” taco meat down her top in “The Inferno” and partially digested dairy product-consumption on “The Gauntlet.” Still, for a relatively minor offense, we imagine Coral might let Theresa and Camila off easy with a knuckle sandwich and a pair of “Isn’t she a dude?” rumors.

3. Mike coughs up blood but beats Brandon and Leroy

The Situation: After taking what is without question the nastiest spill in “Challenge” history (and possibly undergoing an unplanned vasectomy), Mike and his blood-filled lungs rallied and managed to beat two out of his three fellow swimmers before upchucking bucketfuls of plasma onto a nearby raft.

WWCD? While Mike’s victory elicited nothing but supportive sentiment from his fellow competitors, we can’t imagine Coral would let anyone forget about the two losers who got smoked by the guy with a mouthful of his own DNA. Likening each to a sinking ship with no hope for shore, Coral would surely grant each the congratulations they deserved before they shamefully took off their life vests and submitted to the sea. And we would have loved it.

+ If the hypothetical isn’t enough to help you cope with your withdrawal, check out this 2006 clip of Coral lamenting the state of her household in a “Fresh Meat After Show” that had us in stitches: