Dear Kristin,
First, let us preface this open letter with a compliment (because we've learned over time that the most effective way to get through to a woman mired in her ways is to butter her up first). We like you, Kristin Cavallari. We really do. Our favorite season of "Laguna Beach" was the one you narrated -- you spoke your mind, did what you pleased and always seemed to emerge victorious. Stephen Colletti was total putty in your hands.
Now for the hard stuff.
Kristin, your skin is thinning. We never would have took you for a gal who could so easily get her emotions mixed up in a friends with benefits-type situation, but it's definitely happened. And we're here to talk you off the ledge, so listen up and listen hard.
You're K-Cav, you don't wait around for dudes. Especially not exes who have a history of dicking you around. Go let Brody be gaga for Avril Lavigne and finally be done with him. Live it up in L.A. -- you're beautiful, famous and smart, so set your standards high and stop looking for love at dive bars. And maybe stop fighting at them, too. Who is Allie Lutz to you? You're Coral K-Cav, you eat bitches like that for breakfast -- but by now we all get the point and think 23 is a respectable age to retire from public shouting matches. Say you'll consider it?
We know this is a lot to take in (slash we never want to be on the receiving end of your yet-to-be tamed rage), so we'll end this letter with one final thought: Kristin Cavallari, you deserve a dude who's gonna treat you like gold, as every girl does. Stop settling for less.
Sincerely,
Remote Control