Put two sworn enemies known for PDC (Public Displays of Clawing) together in a darkly lit room, add a few cocktails, then cue the conversation about their shared ex-boyfriend. Whaddya got? Some of the boldest, bitchiest insults and accusations ever slung in Hills history. And though we're always up for a good catfight, something in us couldn't help from wondering how Kristin Cavallari and Jayde Nicole's confrontation during last night's episode would have gone down if either of them had practiced some manners. Below, we've written up a hypothetical what-could-have-been if the girls had prepared for co-starring on The Hills by first attending Charm School, or say, met for tea and crumpets instead of Grey Goose and soda.
PART I
What happened: To begin the discussion, Jayde got straight to the point and said to Kristin, "Obviously, you don't want to be here. I don't want to be here either, but I had to call you just to figure out what is going on."
What could have happened: Jayde preceded what was sure to be a tough discussion by offering up a pleasantry: "That's a pretty outfit, Kristin. I'm sorry we're meeting under such lousy circumstances, but I felt it was important to speak face to face."
PART II
What happened: In response to Jayde's directness, Kristin asked, "Don't you think this would have been better to do before storming at me at Playhouse with all of your friends, and creating the biggest scene ever?" Jayde: "Not really."
What could have happened: Kristin remarked, "Why, yes, we were being a bit dramatic, practically coming to blows over an ex-boyfriend. We probably should have handled that situation at the club more maturely"
PART III
What happened: Kristin said (with slight neck roll) how she got hit at the club. Jayde said that she got hit, too, then raises her voice to explain that she "didn't come up there to talk to [Kristin]. She "came up there to talk to Brody." Kristin didn't like where this was going and delivered the first big hit: "Well, then you might want to keep his leash a little tighter, Jayde."
What could have happened: Kristin expressed serious concern about being hit at the club. Jayde apologized and said, "If it makes you feel any better, I got hit, too." Kristin jokingly responded, "It does a little." The girls cracked a smile at one another and reminisced about how ridiculous they must have looked fighting with each other.
PART IV
What happened: Kristin continued wagging her tongue, saying, "If [Brody] was happy with you, Jayde, then I would be happy for him. But I just don't see that..." Jayde was not happy with Kristin's assessment. She replied, "For you to sit here and act like you know him so well and [say that] he's not happy ... that's bulls**t."
What could have happened: Kristin expressed concern that Brody didn't seem happy lately. Jayde politely countered, "You know him well, and that's tough for me to hear. But that's something I need to talk to Brody about privately. I'm sure you can understand?"
PART V
What happened: Jayde transitioned into true mean girl mode and told Kristin, "Everything was totally fine before you came here, so you need to go back to wherever it is that you came from," to which Kristin sank to her level by saying back, "You're a real b--. Like, you are such a bitch, Jayde ... This is bulls**t." (Swift exit)
What could've happened: Kristin agreed that it wasn't her place to interfere with Jayde and Brody's issues. Jayde seemed pleased and changed the subject to that night's VIP party at the Playboy Mansion. She told Kristin she'd put her on the list, plus one. (Air kiss goodbye)
AND ... SCENE