On what’s happening in her life now: I drank a couple weeks after leaving treatment. An old drinking buddy came to visit, and we ended up having a couple of beers. I didn’t even get drunk — I felt too guilty. I’ve slipped four times since I’ve been back. That’s pretty bad, but I don’t actively plan to go out and drink. Not at all.
On her temper: I didn’t get violent when I drank those times, but one of the nights I had way too much. I ended up going outside [to the parking lot] and getting into my friend’s car to go to sleep.
On needing a support group: I have my girlfriend and my best friend, but they’re not alcoholics. They expect me not to [drink], but I wouldn’t call that support. They don’t want me to drink, but they don’t really sit down and talk to me reasonably about it. My girlfriend will just freak out.
I want to go to [meetings]. I plan on going, but right now I don’t have my own transportation. That makes it hard. I live with my grandparents. My grandma’s pretty busy and my grandpa’s like 70-something. My girlfriend doesn’t have a car either, and my best friend does college and all this other stuff. It sucks that I don’t get to go.
My grandparents are pretty supportive. When I first came back [from California], they seemed a little disappointed — even before I slipped up. I guess they thought I’d come back all excited, or cured. They thought I’d be jumping around all happy. But when I first got back here, I wasn’t very happy. I enjoyed being in California. Not necessarily in rehab, but if I could live out there on my own and attend those meetings out there, it would probably be a lot better.
On how treatment made a difference: I definitely kept an open mind and learned as much as I could during my 30 days. It helped prepare me for coming back home. Just talking to my therapist and the other people there … I’d ask a lot of questions. I was supposed to go to a therapist here, but I never did because I don’t have a car. I wish I would have. Therapy was something that really helped me a lot.
I promised myself and my grandma that I would stay at least 30 days. I went ahead and completed it and kept my promise. I knew from the beginning that 90 days would be too much, and I don’t regret not staying. I was just ready to get back and start living my life. In treatment, it didn’t seem like reality. I was just ready to get out in the world and face [my problems] and see how it was gonna be. But being there taught me that there are those support groups if it gets too hard. There are places I can go.
On DJ AM: He provided me with an opportunity that I never would have had. He helped me just by coming here and being a real chill guy that I could relate to. I wasn’t getting any help, and he provided me with it. By him doing everything that he did, he pretty much gave me my life back, or at least a chance to make my life whatever I choose to make it. And that was a choice I didn’t really have before because I was stuck. Like, I didn’t care about anything. Going away gave me back a sense of myself.
At first I didn’t believe that he had died, but then I didn’t really have a choice. It was very overwhelming — it’s still kind of hard to comprehend. I’m just sad that he’s not gonna be here to see all the great things that he did for each and every one of us [on Gone Too Far].
On what it will be like watching her episode: I’m pretty nervous to watch myself on the show. I’m hoping it’s not gonna be as bad as I think it will be. On previous episodes, they didn’t show that much using, and that surprised me and made me glad. I feel like there’s more focus on us getting help. That’s good for me because I don’t want to see all the crazy stuff [I did]. But I guess I’ll always have it [to watch] in case I ever need a reminder.
I saw clips of me on the commercials and I felt embarrassed. I was cringing. I was like, “I wish I could erase it!” And people I’ve known for a long time have been like, “Oh, you’re gonna be on TV!” But I think maybe if these people see how bad it got, they’ll be supportive. I know them all from back in the day, and they just probably thought I was having fun when I drank. They probably didn’t understand.
On her future outlook: I’m feeling confident right now that my drinking’s not going to get out of hand again. I’m not gonna drink. Sometimes I have cravings, but not as much as I thought I would. I’ll have a craving when I go out to eat and they have the big drink menu there. Little things like that make me want it, but I don’t walk around 24/7 craving it … which is new.
On what she needs to do to stay sober: To continue staying sober, I’m going to need to keep my faith and pray a lot. It keeps me sane. Sometimes I feel like I’m going crazy because I can’t [hang out with] a lot of the people who used to be my friends. I often feel locked in my house — so I need to stick close to the friends I do have.