Last week posed the great question: what happens when 9 straight boys and 8 lesbians share one bed? In the case of Rebecca and Steven, “back rubbing,” and in the case of one borderline sociopath Italian, “watching people sleep.” After a pole dancing party and a pie eating contest, buxom Krystal, trampy Rebecca, and the triple boredom threat of Rob, Eric, and Alex lose their shots at love. Tonight, the bi-athalon! Normally I’d said the men would definitely win a contest involving fitness, but never discount a feisty lesbian. Look at Eleanor Roosevelt. Kidding!

A new day, and Brandi is surprised that she’s still in the running because she hasn’t yed had alone time with Tila. I fear that Brandi may be a victim of selective, foreshadowing reality TV editing. Ditto to Ryan, who wakes up saying his pits need to smell good.

Ryan goes downstairs to find a not from TT saying that today the gang will compete in a bi-athalon. That’s right, boys Vs. girls. The boys are given white shirts with interlocking male and female symbols, and the lesbians are given pink shirts with interlocking female symbols. Cute shirts, girls.

The gang goes outside to see TT in the sexiest referee outfit I’ve ever seen. “Like a zebra I want to jump on and ride,” said Ashley.

The bi-athalon is really just an obstacle course. It isn’t exactly going to make Bruce Jenner sweat (That’s Brody Jenner’s dad.), but it looks hard enough. Each team member is to inflate a TT blow-up doll (!), go through a set of tires, crawl under a military net, find a necklace in a sand pit, and run over an inflatable wall. The winning team will go to heaven with TT; the losing team will go to hell. “May the better sex win,” yells TT.

Ashli and Michael are first, and the girls are screaming at their innocent little Ashli to “Blow virgin!” Kinky! The girls start out a little behind the boys, as is probably expected, but then the boys quickly jump ahead. All seems lost, but Domenico can’t get over the wall and the girls catch up slightly. Ryan is the last boy, and he stumbles with the blow up doll, and then he can’t find the key. The girls catch up. Dani is last for the girls; she finds the necklace and wins the bi-athalon for the girls! The girls cheer and celebrate, giving us a surreal moment of watching a group of lesbians jumping up and down in celebration while holding identical TT blow-up dolls.

So the girls go to heaven, and the boys to hell. TT has given the girls cute, white teddies with halos to wear - Dani opts for a khaki slacks and a white shirt. They are taken to an all white mansion that has all white rooms, not unlike Ann Margaret’s bedroom in Tommy (yeah, I know that’s a dated reference, but check out the pics). TT greets them at white bar, and informs the ladies that they have each won 7 minutes in heaven with her.

Sara is first and she asks TT what she looks for in a girl, which is of course someone who isn’t timid but also respectful. I’m beginning to learn that TT is looking for balance, and isn’t at all the “have her cake and eat it too” type of lesbian. Sara strikes out with TT when she says that she likes to stay home all the time with her girlfriends. TT calls her “monotone,” which in A Shot at Love is the kiss of death.

Ashli, “little miss virgin,” is next, and I think she’s the only person in the entire competition who makes TT blush and grin. Then comes Dani, who made a grave error by dressing in slacks. Last is Brandi, who finally gets her alone time with TT, that is, until she steps on and kills a lizard – a “heaven lizard” – which freaks TT out so much that Brandi loses her alone time. Poor Brandi, killer of lizards!

The ladies all head home, and its time for the boys to go to hell. Back in the strip room there is a secret hallway to TT’s dudgeon. TT leads the boys to her hell, and they put on man-cuffs. Blogger testimonial: I met a girl in Kansas City once who was a dominatrix, and she had a cross in her apartment that looked just like the one in the mansion. By the way, a Dominatrix is not a prostate and she’s now an art historian.

Ashley is first to get the TT treatment. She spanks him with a whip, and he likes it so much that she puts him in a cage and rubs cake over him. He still likes that too. “Pain is only temporarily (sic); love is forever.” Domenico is tied to the cross and she tickles him. LOL. Ryan is next and she pours candle wax on him just like in the “Living La Vita Loca” video. She holds the candle over his junk and pours. LOL. Bobby and Steve have to hug each other and get whipped, while Michael goes in the cage and has TT stuff his ears with sausage.

The boys get one-on-one time with TT, and Ashley totally freaks out TT by admitting he’s truly in love with her. Normally that sort of behavior is old hat on a reality show, but Ashley imbues it with a certain insanity that might spell the end for him. Although I do think it’s cute that he thinks TT is a sweatpants girl who just wants to cuddle.

The next day Brandi is still upset that she didn’t get her 7 minutes in heaven. She finds the message in a bottle downstairs and reads to the gang that they will all be feeling TT. They walk through the house to find TT in a room with a massage table. She likes the roughness of a man’s hands, and the softness of a lady’s touch. Each person gets five minutes massaging her, and the best two get to join her in a hot tub. Brandi is confident in winning because she went to massage school. Good girl.

So each contestant has a turn with TT. Amanda is hurt by seeing everyone touch TT. Again, I can’t say enough that Amanda is my favorite contestant; even if she doesn’t win with TT, I want her to win in life. Dom uses his time to play with TT’s butt. It’s funny, but he still creeps me out. In the end, Brandi and Ryan win, and everyone is bummed. So bummed, in fact, that they all start to bond over how much they are in love with TT. During the commercial break I’m convinced that they all held hands and sang “Kumbaya.”

Ryan and Brandi join TT in the hot tub. TT is happy that Brandi is opening up to her, and she’s really getting to know Ryan. They both get to smooch TT, and TT confesses to having trouble being a bisexual because know one understands her. I agree with her. Straights don’t understand the gay attraction, and gays don’t know what it’s like to be attracted to the opposite sex. How would either know what it’s like to be attracted to both sexes? “I’m here looking for love, and I’m as vulnerable as everyone else,” she says.

It’s elimination time and everyone is nervous because they all feel a connection with TT. The clips in between commercial breaks show a big scuffle taking place in the elimination room, so my money is on Ashley getting the heave-ho. Ryan, Amanda, Ashli, Michael and Domenico are all interested in a shot at love with TT. Brandi, Vanessa, Dani, and Steven are called up next.

That means Ashley, Sara, Dani, and Bobby are all on the chopping block. Dani is called, even though TT’s fire for her is getting colder. That means monotone Sara loses her shot at love. There’s a weird editing moment here where Sara says “thank you,” but I’ll just ignore it.

The last key is given to either Bobby or Ashley, and they both look upset. At this point we all know that Ashley is going to get voted off and start a fight, but that doesn’t make it any easier to watch. He’s a time bomb. When Bobby is given the key, boy does Ashley go off. He starts to criticize everyone in the room. Bobby is a shit talker, Steven is snake, Domenico is a pervert, and all the girls (except for a few) don’t know whether they like boys or girls. Ashley physically goes after Bobby, Ryan tries to stop him, and then ANOTHER huge fight breaks out. The show’s producers try to pull all the boys away from each other, and oddly, Vanessa is involved in the fight.

Ashley is booted out of the house; so ends the stay of the “southern gentleman.” Outside he has his Street Car Named Desire moment and starts to scream for TT. Inside the house, everyone has calmed down until they realize that Bobby is injured outside. The ambulance is called and Bobby is taken to the hospital to have his leg x-rayed. TT rides to the hospital with him, and at that moment my suspension of disbelief has been broken, and I now see TT’s leopard-print mini-dress for what it really is – a leopard-print mini-dress. It looks so normal in MTV land!