Katie sure knows how to pick ‘em. Last week her boyfriend Josh showed us that Miss Teen USA dates losers just like regular teenagers. Disgraced Miss USA Tara Conner joins the queens on their royal appearances across America, and although the pageant queens her with courtesy and respect, they’re a ticking time bomb of Vaseline, fake tanner, and double-sided tape waiting to go off… Katie is still thinking about her fight with Josh after he threw a hissy fit when he saw her posing with a male model. “My reign has brought in a lot of negative energy into our relationship,” she says. “We do demand so much of each other.” I’m not clear what Katie demands of Josh, but his demands of her boil down to “pay attention to me and only me.”

Tara’s spirits are also a down. She can’t get a read on the other queens, and she thinks they don’t trust her…which of course they don’t. The queens all go to meet with Miss Universe executive Esther to go over their upcoming appearances. Rachel is judging the Turks and Caicos pageant, Katie is accompanying her, and Riyo is judging the Miss Indonesia pageant. Tara can’t make either of the events because she must work a fundraiser with Donald Trump, and the other girls pretend to be sad. You know, I’m beginning to think that they don’t find Tara untrustworthy; they just don’t like her.

Riyo is excited to go to Indonesia, despite the trip’s 19 hours flight. Wow, 19 hours! Without commercial breaks that’s an entire season of 24. Katie greets that news with burp. Apparently Katie burps a lot, and we delight in a montage of her belch-ulance. Was belching her talent at the pageant, because she’s clearly been training since childhood.

Before Riyo leaves, she takes Katie to visit her Japanese sponsors. Katie is warned to be respectful (don’t burp!), because she’ll be meeting 10 very serious, very polite, rich Japanese men. Katie gets squeamish when she eats the egg soup, and then she lets off one of her patented gastric bombs. Embarrassing! Don’t these pageant queens have to go through etiquette school to learn how to be ladies like Geena Davis did in A League of Their Own?

The next day Katie and Rachel pick their dresses for the Turks and Caicos pageant. Rachel looks phenomenal in everything, and Rachel sits on the side waiting for her turn to wear pretty clothes. She doesn’t want to be Rachel’s sidekick, but she’s understanding more and more that this is the reality of her reign.

Back at Pageant Place HQ, Riyo and Tara are packing Riyo’s clothes into little plastic bags. Boy, Riyo wasn’t kidding when she said she loves packing. She’s being a little anal, but I bet her clothes don’t need ironing 19 hours later. Tara gives Riyo some advice about being away from your family. Sometimes your only family is the people you work with, and Riyo should “make the best of it, and have fun when you can.” Thinking about Tara’s advice, I’ve decided that having coworkers as family member’s is why New Yorkers are so miserable. Their only family is the people they work with, and the people they work with would through them under a bus for a promotion.

Katie and Rachel go shopping, and you can tell that they are both grating on each other. Katie is acting her age – 19 years old – and Rachel feels like she needs to build herself up by putting down Katie. By the way, Rachel is only 22. What? Can’t you see the wisdom in her eyes?

Rachel makes a bunch of cracks about Katie’s cooking, cleaning the dishes, and everything else. Rachel is being a total pageant bitch, and I suspect that she was an only child who has unrealistic opinions about the way people interact and live with one another. Thank you, Psych 101.

This sets the stage for Turks and Caicos. First, can I get a count of hands….who has ever heard of the country Turks and Caicos? Anyone? Anyone? Yeah, me neither. So at the island, Katie spends most of her time texting and emailing Josh. Esther and Rachel are annoyed with her to a point where Esther actually has to pull rank and tell Katie to put the phone away for the pageant. The pageant, by the way, looks like Eurovision if all the contestants were asked to perform the Vagina Monologues. In a word: transcendent.

Back in America, Tara is making her appearance at the Trump fundraiser. The two clearly like each other. I suspect that Tara is in need of a father figure, and Trump sees this as an opportunity to be the father he never was to Ivanka Trump. Thank you again, Pysch 101.

The next day, Josh calls Katie to yell at her for ignoring his calls. Yes, see what I’m talking about? Pretty girls date jerks. They just do; it’s part of the pretty girl experience. I want to feel sorry for Katie, but I know she’ll learn a lot of valuable life lessons from this terrible relationship. Of course, when she gets back at home, she’s delivered two dozen roses from Josh. She’s really happy and completely forgets his incredible asshole behavior over the phone. Don’t worry, she’ll learn that flowers do not get someone off the hook for being hurtful and controlling. At least, I hope she’ll learn it before he proposes to her.

Katie said that she’s going to throw the flowers’ wrappings away, and Rachel makes a wisecrack about Katie never taking out the trash. That comment stings, and Katie can’t take any more of Rachel’s demeaning, condescending comments. She asks Rachel to stop talking down to her, and Rachel says that Katie is a teeny bopper who needs to recognize that Rachel knows everything about everything because she’s three years older.

Rachel walks away from the fight – because she’s so mature – but Katie follows her. She rightfully tells Rachel that her constant comments are designed to hurt Katie’s feelings. Rachel doesn’t agree or apologize, but she promises to think about how she talks to Katie. Not exactly the Paris Peace Accords, but I guess it’ll do.

Next Week, Tiara Throwdown!