Alexandria (Allie) lives in Sacramento, California. She says that she’s confident and it’s her way or the highway. Her fashion is very high fashion – Louis Vuitton, Coach, Gwen Stefani – but most people think, “Wow this girl is spoiled.”

“I’m known as the rich girl at school and kids are jealous of me.”

The house is unspectacular and it’s not clear what exactly the father does for a living. We do know that he keeps a wad of $100’s in his pocket at all times.

Allie wants the most heavenly sweet sixteen. The theme is Heaven Only Knows, and she wants to convert the party space into heaven. Everyone must wear white, because either that’s heaven’s dress code or because Puffy says so. Also, her father is wearing a CIA shirt, and for a split second I think “That’s what he does for a living.” Then I look closer and see that it says, “Christians in Action”.

Her party will also have a full-on couture fashion show, and in keeping with the theme the models will wear huge Victoria’s Secret angel wings. But she doesn’t want people to think underwear; she wants them to think Marc Jacobs. I can really rally around Marc Jacobs - cute! - Especially since he ditched the “evil soap opera contessa yachting on the Riviera” look from last year.

Allie wants to be a model and her reputation is on the line so everything must be perfect. If memory serves her reputation is “spoiled rich girl.” Don’t ever say Allie isn’t self-aware.

Allie hosts a private and exclusive pool party to hand out her invitations.

“I’m going to be fighting people off left and right,” she says.

But at 3:30 Allie and her mom are still waiting for the crowd. I don’t want to delight in the misfortune of others, but…HA! As someone who is dedicated to fashion, Allie should have known that guests would arrive fashionably late, and I really think she should have come late to her own party. That’s a real party power move.

No one’s dancing at her party, so Allie takes action: “If y’all don’t get up here dancing, you aren’t getting invites.”

The next day she needs to find the models for the fashion show. Monte Cristo is the fashion Designer (Mmmm…Monte Cristo). She wants it to be over-the-top, and these models can deliver, mainly with their fierce understanding of mid-80s disco - thick belts, neon tights, leg warmers galore.

Allie can only find nine models, which is fine because she’ll be the tenth model…er the #1 model.

“If I don’t see high performance,” Allie tells the models, “I’m calling it off.”

Now that she’s picked the models she needs to get her grill (Mmmm…grilled bbq)

She goes to Tom’s Grills with her grilled-out brother, except unlike her brother’s, hers will cost $4,500. Is it bad that I’m at a point in my life where I think that’s reasonable?

To round the party out, Allie wants to have the hyphy-est party in Sacramento. Honestly, this worries me. Clyde Carson is going to perform and he’s hilarious. He asks her on the spot how long she’s listened to his music, and she regretfully admits for only 5 to 6 months. He agrees to perform, but only if she wears these crazy glasses. She says the glasses make her feel like Bishop Don Juan. I say she looks like one of my heroes.

The next day Allie prepares for her big day. Dark foreshadowing: She won’t be happy unless her grill is perfect. No surprise, when she receives the grill its loose and she has to immediately get it fixed.

It is party time, and all of her superfine friends are awaiting her arrival. One guest uses the dubious reasoning: “Grandmothers are trying to get in…that’s how hot [the party] is.” Maybe his grandma is awesome, but if Granny Creed is any indication, the merits of a party should not be judged by its appeal to the elderly. I mean, except for maybe the Grammy Awards.

Allie is the only one not wearing white (she’s in gold), and she finally comes to her senses and arrives fashionably late.

She roles up in a white limo, the crowd applauds, and the party begins. These kids know how to have fun. So much fun that they wind up on stage, which is a big no-no.

“Do not get on the stage or you will be kicked out,” demands Allie. “This is my party, and I’m the only one who needs to be onstage.”

It’s fashion show time and Allie is not happy. Monte Cristo (God, I just can’t stop thinking: sandwich) is running overtime, and she’s not happy that the models are dressed hotter than the birthday girl. But seeing the hoochie-angels in gold lamé catsuits, I’m glad that Monte was more discreet with Allie’s outfit.

It’s hyphy time, and again, I’m still a little worried. Clyde Carson kept the party going with Allie on stage dancing with a big dancing can of hyphy juice! That blew my mind.

Just as Allie is saying that nothing could ruin her party, the lights go out and everyone is forced to leave. Widespread confusion ripples throughout the party. Allie is not happy until a brand new Cadillac rolls up to her as the big gift. “That made everything perfect!”

Her unbelievably adorable friend puts the gift into perspective.

“I wish I got a Cadillac. I got a Honda!”

Hey boy, caddies may come and go, but a Honda is forever.

But then all my worries come to the forefront…people go crazy and start dancing on cars and blocking traffic. See, hyphy is dangerous!!! The police come and it’s total chaos. The kids are finally corralled off the streets and peace is restored.

Regardless, whether it’s heaven or hell, Allie is happy.

The Hills is coming to MTV soon.